Chapter 37: What Dulls the Pain of Loss

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"Sterren," Marrec greets his niece at the entrance to his great hall, "I thought you still in Odet."

Sterren had spent two sleepless nights in her home since her return from Odet, but she had not yet resumed her normal routine or even been able to muster the strength to go out of her house, save the one visit to Taran, so it's not surprising that word of her return had yet to reach to the Lord of Avendale. Looking over his shoulder, she she's he has guests, obviously noble from their dress, but Sterren can't name them. The woman seems familiar, but Sterren has met so many of their ilk in this hall, and tends to forget heir names and titles as soon as they are out of her sight. 

Sterren wore one of her finest gowns for her visit, and brushed her hair up as elegantly as she could without the help of a maid, an effort she normally doesn't bother with even when visiting her noble relations, partly because she's never been comfortable in finery, but also to serve as a reminder that though she is their family, she's not truly one of them, that she's free of the duty to politics that they serve under. Today was different, however, and Sterren dressed the way she knew her uncle would prefer to her dressed all the time as a somewhat vain attempt to appease him before she tells him she's spurned the suitor he intended for her and instead will marry one of his own peasants. Though it likely won't make him any less displeased with her decision, Sterren is now glad she chose this dress so that she at least won't embarrass him when he presents her to his guests as his niece.

"I returned just a few days ago," she answers, fidgeting nervously with her sleeve, gathering her words together as she prepares to give him her news.

Marrec stands firmly in front of her, as if he means to block her entry into his home. "Sterren, I am, of course, pleased to see you safely home," he says, and Sterren's brow furrow, wondering what bad news is going to follow that opening, "I know that it was I who pushed you toward the Landgraab. I welcomed him into my home and gave him every encouragement to court you. But, with the situation as it is now, Sterren, if you are his betrothed, I must ask you to leave. I will not be able to welcome you into this hall, though we are blood. If you are to be a Landgraab..."

"What?" Sterren nearly sputters.

"I am sorry for this, Sterren, truly," Marrec says again, "I wish it did not have to be this way. But I must ask that you leave now and hurry back to Odet."

"Uncle, I am not going back to Odet," Sterren says, amazed at his sudden change in attitude toward the whole Landgraab family. "I have refused Reinier's offer and will not marry him. I was tempted, I admit, by his charm, but in truth, my heart was given long ago to one of our own village, Taran Madec. I m with child, Uncle, Taran's child, and I will marry him," Sterren rushes out the last her news, hoping Marrec's pleasure at the fact that she's not betrothed to a Landgraab will at least help him accept, iif not rejoice, that she's to marry Taran.

"A peasant?" Marrec sighs in heavy resignantion, "I shall never hear and end to Gwencalon's complaints, my dear niece. But, you will marry who you will, I know that, and Taran is a good man, if lowborn. You will marry quickly I suppose, before...?" he gestures at stomach, still flat and not yet showing the child she carries inside.

"Yes, I went to Odet to ask Fransez Le Bihan to officiate at my wedding," Sterren says, piling lie on top of lie. She will have to get a message out quickly to the old priest to make this lie come true.

"While you were there, you must have visited the Landgraabs?" Marrec asks, "You must know some of what happened, spoke to some of the family?"

Sterren nods, "I was a guest in their keep for  few days," she admits, "I was there when the elder brother was murdered."

"My guests would hear your tale, then," Marrec says, leading her into the hall to introduce her to the Lady Galena Penguilly and her son, Sir Alain. As Sterren gets close to Lady Galena, she sees why her face seemed familiar, as she bears a very close resemblance to Edelina Landgraab, the widow of Diedericx. Sterren remembers Reinier's mention of cousins of Edelina who would challenge his claim on Odet, and understands, now, Marrec's sudden change of heart. He means to ally Avendale with the Penguilly family against the Landgraabs.

So Sterren tells Galena and Alain what she can about the assassination and Reinier's subsequent usurpation of his brother's title and claim on Odet, leaving out the more fantastical details of the involvement of the fair folk in her own escape from his grasp. "I had to escape through a window," she lies, getting used to it, now, "He meant to keep me prisoner." 

"And what of Edelina, my niece?" Galena asks, "We have heard she was sent away somewhere, but could not get more information than that."

"He sent her to a convent in Den Bosch, in the Landgraab homeland," Sterren says, remembering what Reinier told her. When she explains, as he had done, what a convent is, Galena gasps and chokes on a sob.

"How could he?" she moans.

"Reinier Landgraab is capable of many cruelties," Sterren says grimly, wishing she had seen that much sooner than she had.

"Did he hurt you, niece?" Marrec asks quietly, hearing the sorrow in her tone.

"Oh, no, not...not as such," Sterren says, understanding his meaning, "He meant to marry me, and held me under guard until I would agree. But he did no physical harm to me."

"How many men does he have?" Sir Alain interjects.

As the evening wears on, Sterren does her best to answer their questions, though she didn't see much of use while he was Reinier's guest.

The night grew late as she answered what questions she could, and her uncle bid her to spend the night in his house rather than send her home. 

Sterren curls up on the bed where she first made love to Reinier, wishing she could forget the pleasure she took in him. Right there, she had lain right there, and told him a story. Right there, he'd lain on top of her and asked her to be honest with him. He asked then, but never told her that the asking was just a formality, that he would take anything he was refused anyway, 

Sterren tries to sleep, but catches only brief moments of slumber before her grief wakens her again, and her night is spent on a pillow wet with her tears.

"We have my uncle's blessing," Sterren says, taking Taran's hand as she steps quietly beside him.

"Truly?" Taran asks in surprise.

"He is making an alliance with the Penguilly family against the Landgraabs," Sterren explains, "So he took the news of our betrothal well enough. Marrec is my mother's brother, he's not so rigid about title and class. Of course, my aunt will be another matter. She will likely refuse to have you for dinner."

Taran laughs, "That's something of a relief. Come, we should tell Elara this news together."

Together, Taran and Sterren tell Elara of their upcoming marriage, saving the news of the new baby for another day.

"Will you brush my hair for me, like my mother used to do?" Elara asks. She was very young when Briec died, and has only a few memories of her mother.

"Of course I will," Sterren promises, "And you may brush mine as well."

"I'd like that," Elara smiles, giving her approval.

"I'll leave you two to talk while I get dinner," Taran says, smiling at his daughter's happiness, and at his own.

After they've shared a meal and put Elara into bed for the night, Sterren lingers at the door, knowing it's past time she went home, but not able to bring herself to leave.

"Should I walk you home?" Taran asks, though Sterren is well known to brave the road to village even on the darkest nights, unafraid.

"I---I---" Sterren fumbles for words, and starts sobbing, "I haven't been sleeping well," she finally manages, "I cannot...I don't want..."

"Sterren, you can stay here, if you don't want to be alone" Taran says gently, understanding what she can't quite say. "You have a broken heart. I know how long that takes to mend, and how the loneliness eats at you. Stay with me, I'll keep you company."

"Thank you," she sighs, pressing her face against his chest as he holds her, "I can't bear another night like last night, or the night before, alone in the dark."

Her mood reverses from sorrow to contentment as she lays back against Taran's chest, just from knowing she won't spend the night alone in bed she once shared with Reinier.

"I'm not normally prone to such a depth of self-pity," she murmurs with a light laugh, "Or to such a copious amount of tears."

"Briec was much the same when she was pregnant with Elara," Taran says, "She'd cry for no reason."

"You must miss her terribly," Sterren says, moved to pity someone besides herself for the first time in the days since she escaped Odet.

"After she died, I could barely sleep for the grief. And when I did sleep, I'd wake expecting to see her in bed beside me, and grieve anew when I'd remember she was gone forever. It was like that for over a year after she passed. They say time heals all wounds...it doesn't truly. There is a part of me that will never stop hurting for what I've lost. For Elara's sake, I had to put on a brave face and carry on. That routine, more than time itself, is what dulls the pain of loss. Your life moves on, and it carries you along with it. I often thought I should look for another wife, so Elara could have a mother, but that is the one thing I could not bring myself to do."

"Are you certain you want to marry me?" Sterren asks.

Taran rests a hand above her breast, "I do, Sterren. You are as close to my heart as Briec ever was, and I look forward to being a father to your child."

Nestled against Taran's chest, held in his embrace, Sterren sleeps soundly for the first time in days.

Reinier lets the scroll roll back up after he reads the message inside. The Lady Galena Penguilly and her son have been seen visiting Marrec of Avendale. His enemies are gathering to make a move against him, which means he'll have to defend himself from traditional armies as well as assassination attempts from the wilders and their allies amongst the dragons and fair folk. Sterren, he thinks, what role does she play in all this? Was she part of the captive wilder's escape? Did she play a role in his brother's murder? Does she conspire with her uncle and he Penguilly family now? She is connected in some way to each of his enemies, and though he cannot quite piece together the puzzle of her involvement in it, the coincidence of that is too great to overlook. Did she ever love him, or was it all a ruse?

It doesn't matter, he tells himself. Whatever she was, whatever might have been, she is an enemy now.